Now that the hype surrounding the Valentine's day is over, i think it is safe to stick my head out and ask, "Who the hell gave him sainthood?" This bugger alone is responsible for 20 percent, that's right, twenty percent of a man's woes.
One might wonder how i got at this conclusion and that precise number. Well, i guess it's man's intuition! Having observed women for forty springs of my life, i've reached the conclusion that women, and women related causes, are responsible for ninety percent of a man's heartaches, headaches and heartburn. Sure, there are other issues like job stress and crappy bosses that constitute the remaining ten percent of a man's woes but the comparison is so inadequate that it is like comparing the carrying capacity of a Mack Truck with a puny three wheeler.
At number One, constituting a whopping 50% of a man's 'Up Shit Creek' moments is....yes, you guessed it right, it's forgetting girl friend's/ mistress or wife's birthday. Of the three, the G/f and the mistress are more manageable if the power dynamics of the relationship are skewed in the man's favour. Once a woman knows that the man is likely to walk out without a backward glance, she gets remarkably reasonable and amenable to reason.
A wife, on the other hand, should be given a walkover. It is like playing dead when attacked by a grizzly. It might not seem to be the smartest strategy but actually is!!
Just imagine the following scenario (and this goes for all my fellow poor men). You wake up one fine day and ask (request- bugger- request, only fools dare 'ask' their wives for something) your wife to make tea while you sit on the pot and ruminate about the future of the universe- or just pick your nose and fantasize about the hot new chick in the office. You come out to a steaming hot cup of tea and a coy, coquettish and girly wife. You wonder what the hell happened Who waved a magic wand over her while you were asleep??!! And then the revelation hits you- You were a STUD MUFFIN last night! Yes sir- you were! That's it- Yeah! You walk into the shower with your chest puffed out like a rooster and humming the song, "Make love like a man, i'm a man, that's what i am".!!!
Cut to the evening. You come home still smiling at the recollection of the flirty, innuendo laced tete-a-tete that you had with the aforementioned chick in the office. You ring the bell and the door is opened by your better half who looks like she's ready to have an apoplexy! Your servile request for a cup of tea is met with a killing look and the chilling retort, "Are your hands broken? Go make it yourself". Suddenly alarmed, you ask, "What's wrong babe"? and you get a curt 'Nothing' in reply.
W.T.F.! you wonder...who undid the magic wand effect??!! 'Oh well, The Wand will be at work later tonight' you muse with a smug and wicked grin as you walk past your wife and into the kitchen to make that cup of tea.
.While walking past your better half you notice that she is all dolled up. Hmmm...what are you forgetting, you wonder. You mull it over as you put the water to boil. A party? A dinner date- promised and forgotten? Is someone coming home?
CHRIST ALMIGHTY!!!! Your eyes go round in shock as you realise- It's your wife's birthday!!! You feel as if you have been simultaneously shafted and gutted with a Masai spear! You turn off the gas and rush to your wife. "Happy Birthday Sweetheart", you say with as much enthusiasm as you can muster while dreading the next few hours and days. She looks at you with a look that manages to convey:
One might wonder how i got at this conclusion and that precise number. Well, i guess it's man's intuition! Having observed women for forty springs of my life, i've reached the conclusion that women, and women related causes, are responsible for ninety percent of a man's heartaches, headaches and heartburn. Sure, there are other issues like job stress and crappy bosses that constitute the remaining ten percent of a man's woes but the comparison is so inadequate that it is like comparing the carrying capacity of a Mack Truck with a puny three wheeler.
At number One, constituting a whopping 50% of a man's 'Up Shit Creek' moments is....yes, you guessed it right, it's forgetting girl friend's/ mistress or wife's birthday. Of the three, the G/f and the mistress are more manageable if the power dynamics of the relationship are skewed in the man's favour. Once a woman knows that the man is likely to walk out without a backward glance, she gets remarkably reasonable and amenable to reason.
A wife, on the other hand, should be given a walkover. It is like playing dead when attacked by a grizzly. It might not seem to be the smartest strategy but actually is!!
Just imagine the following scenario (and this goes for all my fellow poor men). You wake up one fine day and ask (request- bugger- request, only fools dare 'ask' their wives for something) your wife to make tea while you sit on the pot and ruminate about the future of the universe- or just pick your nose and fantasize about the hot new chick in the office. You come out to a steaming hot cup of tea and a coy, coquettish and girly wife. You wonder what the hell happened Who waved a magic wand over her while you were asleep??!! And then the revelation hits you- You were a STUD MUFFIN last night! Yes sir- you were! That's it- Yeah! You walk into the shower with your chest puffed out like a rooster and humming the song, "Make love like a man, i'm a man, that's what i am".!!!
Cut to the evening. You come home still smiling at the recollection of the flirty, innuendo laced tete-a-tete that you had with the aforementioned chick in the office. You ring the bell and the door is opened by your better half who looks like she's ready to have an apoplexy! Your servile request for a cup of tea is met with a killing look and the chilling retort, "Are your hands broken? Go make it yourself". Suddenly alarmed, you ask, "What's wrong babe"? and you get a curt 'Nothing' in reply.
W.T.F.! you wonder...who undid the magic wand effect??!! 'Oh well, The Wand will be at work later tonight' you muse with a smug and wicked grin as you walk past your wife and into the kitchen to make that cup of tea.
.While walking past your better half you notice that she is all dolled up. Hmmm...what are you forgetting, you wonder. You mull it over as you put the water to boil. A party? A dinner date- promised and forgotten? Is someone coming home?
CHRIST ALMIGHTY!!!! Your eyes go round in shock as you realise- It's your wife's birthday!!! You feel as if you have been simultaneously shafted and gutted with a Masai spear! You turn off the gas and rush to your wife. "Happy Birthday Sweetheart", you say with as much enthusiasm as you can muster while dreading the next few hours and days. She looks at you with a look that manages to convey:
- Do I know you?
- Who are you talking to?
- WTF are you talking about?
- Which language are you talking in? AND-
- Drop Dead Buster!
"Oh Crap", you think as you read the non-verbal signals correctly, thanks to the practice that you've been getting at the office. "Let's go out for dinner", you say with a false gaiety that you don't feel. Her reply, "You go out and eat. As it is, I've not cooked anything for you" makes you shudder while contemplating near future. Can I please have a spectacular heart attack right-the-f**k now? - you wish and wonder. You beg, plead and cajole for the next hour (O.K., perhaps i exaggerate) but to no avail. As you despondently trudge back into the kitchen (hoping she would notice), you wonder when the ice will thaw. As you filter the tea leaves with a strainer, you look at them and wish you could read what they say about the next week or so.
Your wife walks into the kitchen and informs you that she is going to her mom's place. Evidently, mom-in-law had remembered the birthday and even ordered a frigging cake. Bad news never comes alone you see. "Oh and I'll be going out for dinner with friends and staying over at mom's", your Bitter- half says as she walks out. Your plea, "Can I join....." is cut off by the sound of the slamming door.
Great!! Just Frigging Great!! You curse as you head into your room to change out of office formals.
Actually....it is NOT as bad as it seems....
Domino delivers, and the Carlsbergs in the fridge must be getting terribly lonely!!
AND, the Cricket World Cup has just started AND India look smoking hot AND a match is starting in an hour or so!!!!
You sigh and smile...your cup of Joys runeth over!!!
AND, the Cricket World Cup has just started AND India look smoking hot AND a match is starting in an hour or so!!!!
You sigh and smile...your cup of Joys runeth over!!!
Let the JOY flow !!!..Let the Fun come !!..Wishing you magical Nights and sunny mornings.
ReplyDeleteAs they say If you wish to remember her birthday always, just forget it ONCE !!!!..haha!! Well written buddy..Keep it UP!!(PUN INTENDED)-Golu